Dwelling on the Past to Understand the Present
“Now that’s you. You don’t want to answer? Just change the subject and even better, put the entire blame on me. Fantastic!” He unwrapped his hand that was holding, letting her go almost instantly, stepping back. His eyes that had been shimmering with the hurt now held indifference in them.
Her eyes glistened with the emotions that he was very well aware of but his heart that she had set on fire with the betrayal that he thought she had gifted him did not let him acknowledge those emotions.
A step back. Another one. One more.
She slowly moved backward in the direction of the door, step by step. Her longing gaze was fixed on him as if all that her ears were yearning to hear was that nothing else mattered... all that he saw, all that he heard…, that no matter what, his trust in her wouldn’t shake.
With every step that she was pulling back, she was distancing herself from him and so was her heart which was going away from his.
Her heart shuddered on reaching the door. He did not stop her. He did not say another word. He just looked at her the way she did. Their stances mirrored each other’s, broken and shattered.
He stood there for several long minutes even after she faded from his sight. It took him a while to get himself out of the zone that he was stuck in. Grabbing his blazer that was lying on the bed and his car keys from the side table, he dashed out of the room.
She drew in a sharp breath as she pressed her palms on the railings, leaning forward. Momentarily raising her head, she took in the beautiful sight standing under the starry sky and the next moment, she found herself drawing comparisons between her soul and the darkness around but before she could go further, the sound of light footsteps alerted her of someone’s presence.
“What are you doing here?”
She turned to look at the owner of the voice. “Nothing Ma’am. Main to bas aise hi…”
“Listen, no matter what Rakshit says -“
“I’ll not go anywhere,” Drishti added the rest of the words, completing Mahima Shergill’s incomplete line before she could.
Mahima nodded, her face hardly giving away any of her emotions. “Listen, Drishti. You told me that you are a Pisces woman and I believed you. Rakshit is safe as long as you are around. If you walk out of his life or he makes you do that then Rakshit’s life-“
“Won’t fall in danger, Ma’am. Neither will I walk out of his life nor will I let him make me. You can trust me with his well-being,” she uttered in a tediously uniform and unvarying tone.
“Why was he angry? Does he… know?” Mahima Shergill attempted to further investigate.
“He doesn’t. I have promised you…. he never will. I have a promise to keep and I will keep it no matter what I have to do to keep it.” Her eyelashes fell momentarily before casting a quick reassuring look at Mahima Shergill who bobbled her head and left Drishti alone on the terrace.
He clutched the beer bottle and had almost put its opening in his mouth ready to pour all the liquid in a go to ensure a little break to his burning soul but a memory crossed his mind and his hands stilled, keeping the bottle aside.
Alcohol is not a solution to any problem rather it creates more problems, controls your mind and snatches your ability to solve them. Never allow anything to control your mind. It is dangerous.
He let out a bitter chuckle as the events flashed before his eyes and the words repeated telecasted themselves in his ears. She had warned him not to lose himself to anything that would control his mind but she didn’t tell him what he was supposed to do when someone takes over his everything without his conscious realization, controlling which was beyond his control.
He gave a furious jerk to his legs that were down the bridge he was sitting over. The silent bridge that most people did not even know existed amidst the crowded roads of the city. The bridge was nothing more than a solid platform, a medium to get to another end from one, without anything on either of its sides to hold on to.
The shrill ring of his phone broke the absolute silence that he had been sitting in. He made a quick search for his phone in his pockets one after another on not finding it in the first go and turned it toward himself, checking who was calling him.
Lavanya calling…
He frowned at her mere name flashing on his mobile screen. Lavanya was an annoying person, he would love to openly admit it any day. What did she want now? He wondered. Not that he really cared though. Disconnecting the call, he dropped the phone back in his pocket after switching the do not disturb mode on.
The flashes of Drishti with that one-eyed woman refused to get out of his head which made him feel awful. A sudden uneasiness started taking over him and his head began to hurt. He knew what it was and he inwardly let out many curses for the same. A migraine attack. As if he was already in any less pain that migraine also decided to visit him. In another couple of hours, he would not be able to even move. He sighed, beginning to rub his forehead.
He clutched his head in his hands when the throbbing pain began to bother him. It had been almost two months since he had gotten his last migraine attack. The night was still fresh in his mind. That night could never be erased from his memory.
How could it be? It was probably one of the most beautiful nights of his life.
“Mr. Shergill, are you okay?” Drishti put aside the book that she was pretending to read when she could no longer resist after seeing him lying on the bed with his eyes shut for more than half an hour.
He had made her postpone the last meeting and left the office pretty early which itself had come as an expected shock to her. If the man who had kept his meetings even on his engagement day was canceling any meeting, then it had to be something serious, she knew.
“What is going to happen to me?” He shot a look at her, snapping his eyes open. “You know what, just go from here. Even looking at you annoys me. Just go.”
She stood up from the couch, baffled at the sudden, unforeseen shift in his mood. Wasn’t he perfectly alright in the morning? He and his sarcasm. The man was simply too complicated for her to decode.
“Mrs. Shergill.” He joined his palms in front of her, rolling her eyes. “I am requesting you. Please go.“
He riled her up more than she already was. She looked at him, not sure what exactly was up with him. She was almost ready to give him a piece of her mind, reminding him that they shared the room now.
He couldn’t just ask her to get out if and when his mood informed him but for some reasons unknown to even her own self, she couldn’t snap at him. More than him, she was irked with herself.
Ugh. She stormed off, without sparing him another glance.
The next two hours that she spent out of their room in the kitchen, preparing a full-fledged dinner weren’t too comfortable for her as they should have been.
Mr. Shergill stayed on her mind like a stubborn kid sticking to his favorite toy. Why couldn’t she just stop thinking about him? She wondered, stirring the Kheer once before turning off the stove.
Should she go and check up on him? Her silent battle began when her heart kept telling her that something was off and her brain kept reminding her how rudely he had asked her to leave.
No, Drishti. Get a grip on yourself. She scrapped the plan and focused on serving the dinner instead, silently hoping to see him quickly at the dining table but to her surprise and much to her disappointment, he did not show up for the dinner.
Before she could think about how to make it a point to ask anyone about the same, Shikhar enquired about Rakshit and Mahima’s reply left Drishti stunned. Mahima told Shikhar that Rakshit had his lunch late in the office which was why he wasn’t hungry.
Drishti conveniently excused herself to the kitchen to get the pickle that Simran had demanded.
She folded her arms across her chest, leaning against the kitchen slab, perplexed
He told Mahima Ma’am that he had his lunch late today? He lied to Ma’am? She failed to understand why. Forget about being late, he hadn’t eaten anything the whole day.
He had stubbornly dismissed her when she had asked him to have lunch. Something was wrong. She could sense it. Giving the pickle to Simran, she climbed the stairs at a marathon speed.
“Mr. Shergill,” she whispered, rushing into the room after closing the door. “What’s wrong?” Her hand reached out to touch his arm after coming across his restless figure tossing continuously on the bed. The mere sight of him tightly clutching his head got her concerned. Visibly, he looked in such terrible pain that for a moment, even she panicked.
He jerked his eyes open only to see her beside him, worried sick for him. “Go from here.” He managed to feebly say while pushing her with his one hand that he took off from his head but the pain rose, making him take his hand back as he instantly pressed his head again.
“Have you lost it, Mr. Shergill? Look at you. You want me to go, leaving you like this? Not happening. You wait, I’ll call the doctor.” She quickly looked around for her phone that was just beside him on the bed. Leaning over him, she reached out for it.
He grabbed her hand midway in the air, not letting her take her phone. “Don’t.”
“Mr. Shergill?” she muttered in disbelief. He looked all pale and in sick pain and he wasn’t letting her call the doctor as if she was going to listen to him. His health mattered more than his stubborn refusal to her. Her voice softened when she saw him restlessly shifting on the bed. “Mr. Shergill, please let me call the doctor?”
Concern rose in her orbs when he shook his head that was still in his hands. “You are not at all fine. In fact, this seems something serious. You are not telling me what is happening to you. I can’t just shut my senses, and sit here pretending oblivious to your condition. Please don’t expect it from me. You won’t let me call the doctor? Fine, I’ll call Mahima Ma’am. She will see to you then but no way in the universe, I am going to let you stay suffering this way without doing anything about it.” She got moving to get downstairs to call Mahima, not realizing that her hand was still in his.
He pulled her onto the bed when she tried to walk toward the door. “Don’t mention this to Mom. Bekaar pareshan ho jayengi. I am fine.”
How stubborn could this man get? She wondered. She thought that it would be really useful to know because then she would prepare in advance to deal with it. “You are anything but fine, Mr. Shergill. Anything but fine and Mahima Ma’am would get more disturbed if your health worsened. For a change, listen to me and let me call the doctor.”
“No.”
She pressed her lips together in order to control the anger that she was trying to keep below the point for a while because she wasn’t willing to shout considering the condition he was in but he killed her patience. “Stop it, Mr. Shergill. Just stop it? Should I bring you a mirror so that you can realize how fine you are and how fine you aren’t? Dikh raha hai kitna dard ho raha but zidd nahi jayegi. Let me go.”
He slowly pulled his body up, straightening himself. He rested his head against the headboard while still firmly refusing to let go of her hand. “Mrs. Shergill. Kya ho gaya hai tumhe? Main thik hoon.” He gave a gentle squeeze to her hand. “I am fine, really.” Assuring her seemed difficult at that moment when he came across the emotions in her eyes that he didn’t dare to name.
Hearing him had her realize what she was doing. She had to actually take some moments to calm herself down so that she would be able to hold a normal conversation with him, without coming across as a woman, worried sick for him as if his pain hurt her more than it did to him.
“What exactly is this? The way you are not letting me call the doctor, I am sure you know what this is.” She breathed in, pondering the entire situation more rationally.
“Migraine.” He sighed, having no choice to hide it anymore. He had to tell her otherwise she would go down and inform his mother that he couldn’t let happen no matter what.
“Migraine,” she repeated after him, processing it in her mind. “Mr. Shergill, you okay?” She instantly shifted her entire attention to him getting out of her thought process when he grasped her hand tightly.
He did not respond but just kept looking in the air which dismayed her. Never before had she regretted not being knowledgeable about anything as much as she did, that night. She wasn’t aware of anything more than the basics of migraine.
She didn’t know what to do. The feeling of being helpless when he was suffering in front of her was terrible, horrible and awful. She did not even realize when she shifted a little closer to him, scrutinizing his face to see if she could understand anything. She sat there for several more minutes until his head fell back, and he heaved a sigh of relief.
“What exactly happened?” she asked, still not sure if she did right by not informing Mahima for although he was busy assuring her that he was alright but she wasn’t blind to the reality that he wasn’t.
“Colors.”
“Huh?”
“Have you heard about aura in migraine?”
She shook her head in denial, clueless about what he was saying with a tinge of disappointment with her own self.
“Migraines are broadly of two types, with aura and without aura. In migraine with aura that I have, during migraine attacks, one gets sensory disturbances. I see colors, stars, lighting, zigzag lines, bright dots and whatnot…” His voice trailed off as he was explaining to her. His expression gave away, letting her know how terrible it must be.
“Mr. Shergill, why don’t you let me call the doctor?” She urged him again, not falling for the calmness he was talking with.
“Because I have visited the hospital for this a couple of times. I have medicines with me but I don’t really take them. This usually goes away in a specific period of time.” He reasoned but looking at her face, it did not seem like she was going to buy it.
“And what is that specific period of time if I may know?”
“30 minutes. An hour. Maybe a couple of more. Perhaps a night. It keeps varying.”
“And you call this a specific period of time? Wow, Mr. Shergill.” She hated the fact that he was taking it so casually. “One more question, Mr. Shergill since for a change you are replying this normally. What is the precious reason for not taking the medicines?”
“Migraine has no cure. Frequent use of painkillers can worsen the pain. It is not that I haven’t tried any. They don’t affect me much.”
She was listening and processing the information bit by bit. She motioned her head in acknowledgment. “You feeling better?” She asked to hope for a positive response since he talked quite a bit in the last couple of minutes without touching his head.
He gave her an assuring nod, with a quick blink of his eyes.
“I still feel that you should take the medicines though. I think we should go to your doctor again. Let me talk to him. “
He shot her a surprised look. She wanted to come and see his doctor to discuss his condition? Was she really that concerned for him?
“I’ll bring dinner for you,” she said.
His eyes were securitizing her when she looked away. What was she trying to conceal? He was wondering until his gaze caught a teardrop that fell on the bed. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t taken aback to witness the extent to which she had gotten worried for him. Migraine wasn’t new to him. He hardly cared but the way she was reacting to it had his heart pick an uneven rhythm.
“Mrs. Shergill, look at me. See, I am perfectly fine. Stop worrying.” He made another attempt to softly assure her. He wasn’t enjoying seeing her getting all worked up for him at all.
“Worrying? I am not worrying, Mr. Shergill. This is nothing more than humanity. Had it been anyone else in your place, I would have been equally concerned. I’ll get the food.”
Her instant response denying everything that he was hitting at made him want to chuckle but he suppressed it somehow. “Really, Mrs. Shergill?”
“Of course. Now if you please allow me, can I go?”
“Haan to jao na. Where am I holding you?”
She raised her finger to point toward his hand. “There. There you are holding me back.”
Dumbfounded, he immediately looked at where she gestured and unclasped his fingers instantly. He did remember holding her hand but it did not occur to him that he was holding it all along.
She made her way out, with her lips slowly curling up in a small smile after her face was no longer in his sight to catch her smile. By the time she was downstairs, everyone had finished the dinner and probably gone to their respective rooms. She served a plate for him, carried it upstairs to their room, and placed it on the bed beside him.
He looked at the one plate in her hand and couldn’t help asking if she had dinner to which she gave a small nod. He wasn’t convinced. He asked her again. She refused again. He asked her once again. She refused once again and he knew that she was lying.
Her eyes betrayed her every time she tried lying. Not that it had happened often though. He felt bad for her at such times. She could hardly hide anything from him. Whenever she tried concealing her emotions, her eyes gave them away.
He asked her to settle down and eat with him with a threat that he wouldn’t touch the food otherwise but it wouldn’t be him if he put it all nicely. “I’ll eat, you will keep looking at me and I’ll fall sick.”
“Aap kehna chaahte hai? Meri nazar lagegi aapke khaane ko?” She gritted her teeth. This man was never going to change.
He shrugged his shoulders, with a glint of mischievousness dancing in his eyes. “Maybe.”
She quietly started eating, not up for getting into an argument with him, not especially when she knew that his head was still hurting and he was purposely not making it visible, probably not to make her more worried.
Just as she got on her feet after they finished their dinner in silence, she heard him.
“I must admit, you cook good.”
Her eyebrows raised while her lips curled up in surprise. She didn’t tell him that she made the dinner. How did he get to know?
“You should have taken cooking as your profession. Your future would have been bright as a chef than a PA and in the former case, you wouldn’t have had to deal with this Bedil Shergill as you fondly address me.”
His words stilled her in her place. The mere thought that she would not have come across him had she chosen another career was unsettling. She did not like it.
Reading her face seemed like his favorite pastime. He drew his lower lip between his teeth, with corners of his lips slightly curving as seeing her little disconcerted gladdened him.
She left the room wordlessly clutching the plate leaving him chuckling.
Stop getting upset over his words, Drishti. She scolded herself once again. For some unknown reason, she couldn’t get over what he had just said to her. What if she had never met him? She turned off the tap and dropped the washed plate in the utensil holder.
“Mr. Shergill.” She hurried in when she reached the door of their room. He had held his head in his hands again. “Is it hurting again?” She sat on the bed.
His condition was scaring her and she could hardly do anything about it. “Mr. Shergill, don’t press it so tightly.” She tried taking his hands off his head but he didn’t let her. “Mr. Shergill, please.” She slowly got his hands down his head and he clamped his eyes shut out of the pain of his throbbing headache.
She was still thinking about what she could do to ease his pain when she felt her hand being grabbed inflexibly. She looked down to see her right hand tightly held by his left one and it somewhat made her know the extent it was hurting him.
“Mr. Shergill,” she helplessly murmured.
His eyes snapped open and darted a glance at her, alarmed by her quivering voice.
“I… am fi… ah.” He fought the shooting pain to pacify the anxious and distressed woman but alas, the pain defeated him.
He knew that the pain would subside sooner or later. He was used to it but his wife was certainly not used to it. He wanted her to relax but she seemed far away from that word. He knew he did not need a doctor but his wife was adamant about calling one.
“Mrs. Shergill, what are you -“
“Not a word more.” She warned in an icy tone when she kept her hand on his forehead and slowly rubbed her fingers on it. She was hoping it would make him feel better.
He bowed down to it, shutting himself up. He would admit and even thank her the next day because what she was doing was certainly affecting him in a good way though he was not sure was exactly working, the tender forehead massage, or having her beside him in those moments.
Several minutes later, he had fallen asleep. She was relieved to see him in slumber. Her hand was still caressing his forehead. She looked at the empty glass of water on the side table in disappointment when her throat went dry. Need to get it from the kitchen. She was about to step down when she realized that her hand was still in his grip. He would wake up if she moved, she knew but she needed water and in the battle between his sleep and her comfort, she chose his sleep.
She sat back, resting herself against the headboard. Her eyes caught her phone which was still lying beside him. She carefully lifted it from the other side of the bed and her night began, with the occasional glances at him from the phone and at the phone from him.
He was up with the sun the next morning and the first thing he realized was that his wife was sitting beside him with her phone lying in her lap. Shock registered on his face as he recalled every happening the last night. She sat for the entire night. He wondered why. As far as he remembered, he slept soon enough. Why didn’t she? The questions did rounds in his head until her hand that he was still holding near his chest came into his sight.
Damn. He let her hand go almost immediately. Guilt made him regret doing what he had done.
She did not sleep so that he could. She sacrificed her sleep for the sake of his. The acknowledgment wasn’t pleasant. Before he could go on with his silent curses for himself, her phone started vibrating. He quickly grabbed it and turned off the alarm before it could disturb her sleep. When he was putting her phone on the do not disturb mode, the already open browser came into his sight. Probably she was using the browser when she fell asleep last night, he concluded.
47 tabs? His eyes and mouth were wide open and he was absolutely stunned in surprise when he read the heading of the opened tab.
Everything you need to know about migraines.
She was reading about migraine?
Woah! He hadn’t expected that. Curious to know what the other 46 tabs were about, he began checking them.
Migraine – Symptoms and Causes
More than “just a headache”
Migraine – Wikipedia
Migraine headache – Symptoms, Causes, Triggers, Medicines, Treatment and Relief.
Home remedies for migraine.
What are some tips for instant migraine relief?
10 natural ways to reduce migraine symptoms.
Migraines: Simple steps to head off the pain.
Migraine. Migraine. All about migraine. What was she doing? A Ph.D. in migraine or what? He was at a loss for words. He didn’t know how to react. Something occurred to him and he opened her browser history.
4:13 am Shining a light on migraine relief.
She was reading until four in the morning? He was amused, to say the least. This woman was simply, unbelievably, unrealistically crazy, he had no doubt about it anymore. He hadn’t thought that she would get so worried and worked up for him. It felt good regardless though to have her care about him that deeply.
“Mr. Shergill,” she mumbled incoherently, half awake but seeing him up, she quickly straightened herself. “How are you feeling?”
He could hear the desperation in her words. God, she was still worried. He needed to get her out of it. “Tumhara dil badal raha hai, Mrs. Shergill.”
“What?”
Bending forward, he locked his one hand on the headboard on her right side. “I said,” he leaned over, whispering in her right ear, “tumhara dil badal raha hai.” He pulled himself back, just a little to see her face. “Last night, it seemed as if a migraine had surely hit me but it affected you. You served me food in the room and… and Mrs. Shergill sat the whole night. For me?”
She hurriedly stepped down from the bed, pushing his hand away. “I think you are forgetting Mr. Shergill that I am your P.A., even at the home. It is my job to look after my boss.”
He grinned at her attempt of getting away with it. “You aren’t supposed to give up on your sleep for your boss’s comfort in your P.A. job. So tell me, you did it being my P.A. or being Mrs. Shergill, hmm?”
He had started immensely enjoying pulling her leg lately – saying something that would leave her at the loss for words. However, at that moment, all he wanted to do was to divert her attention from the stupid migraine that had taken away her smile.
“Being human.” She grinned wider than him. Did he really think that she wouldn’t have a comeback?
His heart leaped as recalling the once beautiful past suddenly cheered him up Her adorable, little victory dance after giving back to him in her own way still made him adore her.
In that quiet night, reminiscing the other night which had given him an idea about how much he mattered to his wife and to what extent his pain affected her, flashed a bright light in his brain that had been lost in the darkness of anger.
Could she really do what he was accusing her of doing? If at all she was working with/for that one-eyed woman and had vicious intentions for stepping into his life, why would she care about him? There was no doubt that she did care about him and cared a lot about him. Neither would he ever question that nor would he let anyone else do.
If it was a misunderstanding, why wouldn’t she clear it but rather refuse to give any explanations?
Mr. Shergill, I know you deserve to know the reason I married you and believe me if you can, I want to make you aware of it as well but I can’t. Not right now. Like I had said on the first day too… I have my reasons that no matter how desperately I want to share… I cannot. I am sorry, Mr. Shergill but I cannot. I can not force you to believe me, but I don’t know, a part of my heart believes that you will. Will you?
How did he not think about it earlier? She had told him that she had her reasons and she would let him know them all when it was the right time.
That day, she had confessed that there were parts of her life that she would want him to know but it would have to wait until the right time.
She had asked him that day if he would believe her and he… had assured her that he would. He had promised her that he would.
Dammit. He had made a promise to trust her and he had miserably failed to keep that promise.
Anger, like always had controlled his mind and had not let him rationally think, analyze the situation and understand the unsaid. The two incidents of Mrs. Shergill, one with that one-eyed woman and one with Divya had got stuck in his head, consuming all the space, leaving not even a tiny bit for him to process anything else.
But why couldn’t she just tell him everything? He chided himself for repeating the mistake. If she could tell him, then she already would have, long ago.
Something was holding her back and with the entry of the one-eyed woman in the picture, Mrs. Shergill’s reasons had to be grave, he was beginning to understand.
Drama Name – DivyaDrishti