Ishqi’s AVM – Ishk Par Zor Nahi

Set in the night when Ishqi returns to the resort from the hospital and is all set to leave for Singapore the next day. Ahaan’s engagement with Rhea and the pool sequence did not happen here. I wrote this before the episode was aired. 

Do you trust me?

I have arranged a job for Ishqi in Singapore and she has almost agreed.

Will we announce our marriage tonight or not?

Rhea’s words hovered over his mind like an evil demon, suffocating him to death. The mere mention of Ishqi going as far as Singapore from him wreaked havoc on his already conflicted mind.

Abhi abhi to cheeze sahi ho rahi thi…

Abhi abhi to lag raha tha ke tum aur main… ke main aur tum… ke hum…

Abhi abhi to dil ne khwab bunane shuru kiye the…

Aur abhi abhi… toot bhi gaye!

He couldn’t quite decide who he was more mad at.

Rhea? For ensuring that Ishqi wouldn’t be around them any longer.

Kartik? For constantly chanting Ishqi Ishqi to him and persistently evoking the feelings that he had been trying to bury deep.

Or himself? For never letting his feelings for her find his voice.

Shoving his hands in his pockets, he stood numb in the resort’s garden.

Where had life brought him?

His heart wasn’t allowing him to marry Rhea and his conscience wasn’t allowing him to break up with her.

His heart wasn’t allowing him to let go of Ishqi and his conscience wasn’t allowing him to let her see what she truly meant to him.

His heart wasn’t allowing him to listen to his conscience and his conscience wasn’t allowing him to listen to his heart.

Where had life really brought him?

His feet were dying to run in her direction but he had to hold them back because that was the right thing to do.

He no longer felt that Rhea was the perfect girl for him but he had come too far to back off now.

He was freaking engaged. To Rhea. That was by far one of the ugliest truths of his life. Every bit of him cried in regret for not pulling himself back earlier. From Rhea.

A faint smile lit up his face momentarily, overshadowing his woes when Ishqi’s words rang in his ears.

Aapne mujhe engagement ring bhi pehnayi thi.

He had no memories of that day but he believed every word that she had told him about all that he had done that day.

Perhaps, his intoxicated self was far too smarter than his sane self.

His intoxicated self knew what his heart desired way before his sane self could come to even its realization.

He grabbed the beer bottle that he had brought with him before leaving his room. He hadn’t planned to touch it but now that the haunting reality of his present was leaving him gasping, he was willing to relive the once-beautiful past.

Who knew, who knew, he might just be able to let out everything that he had securely hidden within his heart once his intoxicated self took over?

Even if there would be no one to listen to the sufferings of his heart, he wanted to go back to being the one who was courageous enough to put the engagement ring on her finger. Who was courageous enough to confess that he wanted to protect her and keep her safe.

He wanted to be that person again.

He wanted to become Ishqi’s AVM again.

Perhaps, for the last time!

What started as sip by sip soon turned into him gulping down the entire bottle, emptying it in barely a couple of minutes.

His stumbling steps took him to the nearest bench. Plopping down, he threw the bottle as he sat reminiscing the memories he held preciously to himself.

Her memories.

Ishqi, the risky’s memories!

Ishqi, the khiski’s memories!

Ishqi, the sweetest’s memories!

Ishqi, the nicest’s memories!

Ishqi, the gorgeous’s memories!

Her memories.

Ishqi’s memories!

“Ishqi? Ishqiiii.” He squealed upon his blurry vision catching a glimpse of her. “Stopp,” he let out a traumatized scream when she turned around to leave.

Jumping on his feet, his desperate self that was longing for her presence rushed to her. He securely held on to her wrist, his grip so delicate that the concern behind it almost went caressing her heart ever so softly.

He seemed to remember that she was just out of the hospital despite his drunken state.

“Mujhe chhh-odke mat jao. Pl… please don’t leave me, Ishqi.”

Her heart skipped a beat at the vulnerability dripping from his helpless urge. Her heart ached when his brimmed eyes lifted to her.

She gazed at his hands that still weren’t letting go of her. As if he feared… as if he feared that once he withdrew his hand, she would disappear. Forever. From his life.

Wasn’t that the harsh reality of their life though? She would have to go away from him. Far far away. From where even if her heart blackmailed her to come back here, to him… she wouldn’t be able to.

But why was he trying to hold her back in the first place? Didn’t he also want her to accept the job offer from Singapore?

Get a grip on yourself, Ishqi. He is drunk. And even if he wasn’t, don’t you dare forget your priorities that he himself had forced you to set!

Though she did melt at his breakdown in the hospital, her scarred heart refused to hand over itself to him. Not again.

“Mera haath chho-diye!” Curling her fingers around his hand that was gripping her wrist, she struggled to take her hand out of his hold.

“Naiii na, please,” he let out a soft cry, pulling her hand to his heart. “Please let this moment last a little longer. Please. Abhi… mat jao.”

He dragged her along with him to the bench. Letting go of her wrist, his hands rose to her arms as he slowly made her sit before he knelt down in front of her.

“Tumne mujhe fir dhoond liya.”

“Main to bas aise hi aayi thi.”

“Chahe aise aayi ya waise aayi, par tum aayi to sahi na?” His lips stretched in a wide smile. His joy was indescribable.

“Tumne… job offer accept kar li?”

“Haan.”

“Tum… ja rahi ho?”

“Haan.”

“Kyun?”

“Kyun nahi?”

“Jaane kj kya wajah hai?”

“Jaane ki ye wajah hai ke rukne ki koi wajah nahi hai.”

Her revelation snatched the smile from his face. Despite already knowing that she was going, hearing it from her burned his ears and heart.

Rising to his feet, he pressed his palms on the bench, trapping her between them as he leaned toward her.

“Koi wajah nahi hai, Ishqi?”

She clenched her fist at what he was doing. Playing with her. Again.

“Koi wajah nahi hai.” Her voice didn’t shake – not even a bit – while she confirmed, letting him have his answer.

The answer that he wasn’t going to like.

Within moments of her voicing it out, she witnessed his face losing its charm and what was left – was his pale face, devoid of every pleasant emotion.

For a fraction of a moment – just for a fraction of a moment – she despised herself for being the reason why his smile was no longer on his face.

“Tum mujhse itni nafrat karti ho ke mujhse itni dur jana chaahti ho?”

“Aap bhi to yahi chaahte hai na ke main chali jau!”

Nobody knew what it was that made him fall to the ground on the grass.

Nobody knew if it was the alcohol in his system or her words.

She would probably never know that those words caused more damage than any amount of physical suffering ever could.

“Tumhe lagta hai… tumhe lagta hai main chaahta hoon tum chali jao?” His saddened eyes stuck on her, impatiently waiting for her to speak. “Bolo na, Ishqi. Tumhe aisa lagta hai?”

“Main jaanti hoon aap yahi chaahte hai,” she muttered, tearing her gaze from him.

The more she looked at him, the more she wanted to believe that he didn’t want her to go and that wasn’t the truth. It was one of those stupid desires that her foolish heart never learned to stop having.

His hands fell to his side just as his gaze fell to the ground.

“Kyun, aap nahin chaahte main jaau?” She didn’t know what came over her that made her probe him further.

Perhaps, the fact that he was drunk and going to remember not a single thing from this night was comforting.

She knew she had the liberty to ask him anything that night.

She knew she had the liberty to say anything to him that night.

She knew she had the liberty to… do anything that night.

She knew she had the liberty because, by the next morning, his mind wasn’t going to hold a single memory of this night. A single memory of them.

This was going to be her last night with him, the realization was far too painfully clenching than she had thought of it to be.

“Mere chaahne na chaahne se kya hota hai! Maayne ye rakhta hai ke tum kya chaahti ho. Ab khud par yakeen nahi mujhe. Ek baar tumhari zindagi se khel chuka hu. Apne aap ko fir wo mauka nahi de sakta. Dekha jaaye… to tumhara decision galat nahi hai.

I know jo maine tumhare saath kiya… na to uska koi justification ho sakta hai aur shaayad… na hi koi redemption. I know tum wo sab kabhi nahi bhul paogi aur mujhe… mujhe khud par yakeen nahi ke main kuch aisa kabhi kar paunga jis se tumhara dil ye maan paaye… ke mera dil fir kabhi use wo chot nahi lagne dega jo wo ek baar kha chuka hai.

Meri galti maafi ke layak nahi hai aur agar… aur agar mere aas paas rehna tumhe zara si bhi… zara si bhi taqleef deta hai… tumhe unn baaton ki yaad dilata hai jo shayad tum bhulna chaahti ho… to tumhe jana chahiye.”

Agonized, he sat there holding his heart that was about to be in pieces. After she walks out of his life. To never turn back to him again.

Despite having warned herself uncountable times not to fall for a single word coming from him, the raw pain of his weeping heart was too infectious to not catch.

Her hand involuntarily went to his hai, her fingers gently slipping in, as they gave his hair a tender caress. Just an attempt to calm him down. She reasoned to herself but oh, to whom she was lying? Herself?

Don’t catch his denial syndrome. You are Ishqi, not AVM to make such lame excuses to conceal the desires of your heart.

Just when she was struggling with thoughts about what to really say to the distraught man at the front, his hands suddenly wrapped around her legs before his head fell down onto them.

“I am sorry. I am sorry. I am really really sorry, Ishqi. I know… no amount of apology can fix anything that I…I have ruined with my bare hands but I don’t… know what else I can do. Bohot taqleef ho rahi hai mujhe. Ab bardasht nahin hota. Wo sab jo maine tumhare saath kiya… wo sab… maine… Tumhari 6 mahine ki chhini hui neende mujhe zindagi bhar sone nahi degi.

Uss din… uss din tumne mere pair pakde the na… kyunki maine… kyunki maine tumhari zindagi barbaad kardi. Tumhe kahi job nahi milne di. Maine tumhe… Ishqi the risky ko Ishqi the sehmi bana diya. Jis ladki ne kisi bhi galat cheez ke aage kabhi bhi apni aawaz nahi dabne di… use maine itna majboor kar diya ke usne… ek job ke liye apni self-respect bhula di.

Main tumhare pair zindagi bhar bhi pakdu to bhi khudko tumhari maafi ke kaabil nahi bana sakta par yaha… aise… bohot sukoon mil raha hai.”

She held back the tears in her eyes as he clung to her legs. She was taken aback the moment his hands and head touched her legs but once the initial shock faded, what remained was the anguish for life.

The choices they had made had brought them to a point from where everything looked blurry.

She had made the choice of keeping him away from the truth and he had made the choice of not keeping his trust in her.

Right or wrong, those were their choices and repercussions were bound to knock on their doors.

That night, he sobbed, wept, and cried, letting out everything that was swallowing him alive from inside.

That night, he let her see the sufferings of his tormented heart burdened under the weight of guilt, seeking repentance.

That night, his miserable heart hid in her comforting embrace, sharing its haunting struggles.

That night, he wasn’t the mighty Ahaan Veer Malhotra. The mighty had fallen.

That night, he was AVM.

Ishqi’s AVM.

Despite the persistent warning from her conscience, she couldn’t pull herself away from him when he was shattering down in the worst way possible right before her eyes.

How does one turn a blind eye to the tormenting sufferings of someone, one loves? She had never learned that and she probably never would.

She kept the tales of her troubled heart aside to listen to the tales of his guilty grief-stricken one.

She was a real pro at that. She specialized in putting the people she loved over her own self.

Sometimes when she thought about that, she wondered if it was the toxicity that she was practicing.

Sometimes, when she thought about that, she wondered if it was a horrendous habit that she had grown fond of.

She knew and believed that she was as important as the people whom she deeply adored but still… but still whenever it came to choosing between herself and them… she could only choose them.

Perhaps, it was one of her flaws that she wouldn’t quite like to flaunt.

“Ishqi.”

His whisper snapped her out of her reverie. She looked down to see him on his both knees in front of her, hesitantly reaching out for her hands.

“One chance. Please. Don’t go. Please. I… I… please mujhe chho-dke mat jao. Mujhe tumhare saath rehna hai. Please mujhe apne saath rehne do. Mujhe tumhare liye wo sab karna hai jo maine kabhi kisi ke liye na kiya na socha kabhi karunga. Mujhe tumhe wo smile wapas deni hai jo maine tumse 6 mahine pehle cheen li thi.

Please, Ishqi. Mujhe chho-dke mat jao. Apni Maa se bohot pyaar kiya tha par unhone… Unke Bina jeena seekh liya lekin tumhare bina jeena… main nahi seekhna chaahta.“

Her unwavering gaze adored him for a long while that night.

Jana to tujhe hai hi, Ishqi. Tu ruk nahi sakti.

She repeatedly reminded herself when he began to pull her distant heart back to him but she couldn’t resist the urge to let her lips linger on his head that he had dropped in her lap.

“Don’t leave… me alone. Mujhe Ahaan Veer Malhotra nahi ban na. Naam Teen Banda Mean bankar zada khush hu main. Mujhe AVM ban na hai. Tumhara AVM. Ishqi’s AVM.”

His murmurs continued until alcohol fully took over his senses and he slipped into a slumber, right there, in her lap gifting her the confession that she had longed for! But it was too late! Too late for her to change anything!

Barso hai tarsi aankhein,
Jaagi hai pyaasi raatein!
Aayi hai aate aate,
Hothon pe dil ki baatein!
Pyar me tere dil ka mere kuch bhi ho anjaam!

Feel free to leave your comments. <3
PS; The lyrics used in the end are from Dil to hai dil.